Friday, February 13, 2009

I do not like the woman that i have been for the past six months. (I say six months because before six months ago, i was still a student and i achieved all the targets i set for myself while in school...except having a successful relationship....i am not in the mood to talk about my relationship or the absence of one.)

This woman that i am now is a graduate waiting for NYSC. She is lazy, procrastinates, sleeps too much, engages in self pity, doesnt rationalize things before reacting, she reacts based on emotions rather than on knowledge. she is led by her heart and feelings rather than her mind and thinking. She is not the best of friends to have, she easily puts herself before others and once offended, she does not consider a makeup, instead she thinks of ending matter how important they were to her.

I am afraid for this woman. I am afraid that she would wake up one day to find out that because she said "i will do it tomorrow, let me rest a bit today" one too many times, she achieved non of her dreams. And the whole world has moved forward without her.

She wants to die empty. She wants to die after she has exhausted if not all, most of her potential but this woman wakes up and sleeps each day with her potentials untapped. She is so afraid of leading the unfamiliar path that she easily settles for what everyone else is doing with their lives...even though she is aware that she isnt everyone. not everyone possesses the raw writing talent that she has. not everyone goes to a book store and feels sad because her books are not on the shelf but still in her head where they were birthed. Not everyone is faced with a feeling of near death and prays to be alive not because of the husband they havent met or the children they havent had or the money they havent made and spent, but because of the novels they havent yet written. Yes, this woman fell seriously ill and thought she would die one night and the only reason she prayed to be alive was so that she could complete the novel she had been writing for so long.

This woman wants to be a prolific writer, yet she has been battling lazily with her first novel for three years. This woman dreams of being a script writer and a filmaker(the change nollywood needs) yet she does absolutely nothing about it. instead she is considering an MBA or a Masters in Communication and Media because that seems like an easier path to follow, a path that would guaruantee her a job when she is done (she is good at reading and passing...she is camouflage, would fit into any environment...afterall wasnt she studying medicine, then accounting and finally english? didnt she do well in all three?) .she is considering this path as opposed to a masters in creative writing and a degree in script writing which would take her where she believes strongly that she was born to be.

This woman loves to make excuses for why she hasnt written the article on Talib Kweli for Hip Hop World Magagzine and why she hasnt interviewed the actress for Zest International and why she hasnt finished her novel after three years.....Excuses that she knows boils down to one thing....laziness.

Every time she goes to Church and the Pastor or Priest preaches on the parable by Jesus about the unequal talents given to 3 servants, she feels a strong sense of guilt because like the last servant, she often says to herself and everyone else, that her talent "WRITING" is not enough. she wants more!!! (coincidentally for the past two months, Priests and Pastors have been preaching about purpose and talent in church...she is catholic but loves to flirt with pentecostal churches, She isnt defined by the church she attends but by her faith in Christ, afterall, Jesus was a Jew, wasnt He?)

Thinking about this woman, which turns out to be me hurts and annoys me. I am ashamed of her because i know that there is so much that she should be and so little that she is right now.

I want to change this woman that i am and become the writer, friend and spouse that i should be...but each time i take one step forward, i take ten more steps backwards.

As I write this i feel so much disgust at myself because like many past days, i have spent my whole day sleeping.

I hope to do better. i have set a target for myself that i would finish the first draft of my novel by the 31st of March. I know if i work really hard at it, that can be done even though i am only on the fourth chapter(i had gotten to the fifteenth chapter but had to start all over..long story).

i hope that by writing about this and letting everyone who cares enough to read this blog know about this woman that i no longer want to be, i would be gingered to becoming the woman i know i am destined to be at a qiucker rate. so help me God.



Rose said...

So help you God Amen.
Hello there my love,i'm really glad you have noticed these,and realized that the woman you were turning into is not the womwn you were supposed to be,is not the woman God wants you to be.We all derail sometimes.You are going to do great things,just keep youre head up my love.
Good luck with the book,i would pray everyday for the stenghth for you.

Looking forward to reading it.xx

~Sirius~ said...

Sweet heart.........if only you know how it feels when you DO NOT KNOW what you are called to do SAD!

Better get your bum off that bed, right now!

I need to go buy it in the stores sooner than later......ok sweetie.

Read this for some inspiration:

Scarlet said...

Like Sirus pointed out you know what you are called to do so u best believe that you are already one step ahead of most people.
Secondly you know u need to do to achieve your dreams and lastly you know that you have already figured out that u need to get ur ass in to gear....adn u've started writing you book so i think you are well on your way

exschoolnerd said...

its like u wrote this post abt shocking..its scary..cause i totally understnd how u feel and dts how ive felt for the past 4 or 5 yrs..puttin things off....not taking advantage of the opportunities that have come my way..being u i long to see my novel on the shelves at book stores...but i am not doin anything about it, i get writing jobs and i just toss them aside.i thnk am not good i mad...writing is all i care we r pretty much in the same boat me dear..i am in a rut.

Funms-the rebirth said...

im glad u already agreed u want to change this woman so im confident that you will!!!!!!! get up now and get started! we r here for support.....xx

Spicytee said...

See the first solution to dis woman's problems is identifying she is all dat and want to improve.
Nice.. it almost sounded like me cos i have about 4 unfinished novel tucked away somewhere..And evertime I promised myself I'm going to work on least one of dem and I never did.
People call me write about dis and dat for us and most time, I dont.
But truly time doesnt permit us to write..And we all know writing involves lots of serenity,thats when the words come out in their torrents.
But you know what, the only person that can make ur dreams come tru is YOU...So start now babes..

seamstress said...

Hey honey this is my first time here but your words struck a are very honest and that in it self is commendable.

You have gone halfway already by realising the changes you need to make...i know you will achieve all your dreams. Stay real xxxx

Tiwa said...

Gosh! this womans sounds like me. I have been writting songs and wishing to sing for so long but i just can't seem to do anything about it. God help us. I've been feeling very convicted and pressured to start doing something. Once again God help us, we can do it.

Anonymous said...

I believe in you ability and you must take your time. Take your time.
Take care of yourself, young one
yes, you will write the book.
but perhaps your soul needs reprieve.
perhaps your body needs the sleep. your dreams will wait until you are ready to acheive them.
take your time, sister, take your time.
Please be kind to yourself.
our culture demands achievement but at the end of the day, kindness to the self above all else
an enriched soul is all that matters.
please, please and please. KINDNESS.
Please BE kind to yourself.
I have said my piece
and I leave in peace

LIL WOMAN said...

Thanks everyone for you comments...

Severus Snape said...

We all feel lazy sometimes.
So you r nt alone.
Anywayz, just try and stop procrastinating.
That's the first

bumight said...

@temite: her body doesnt need sleep, its had lots of that! lol

@lil woman: like i always tell people, identifying your problem/goal is the first step.

next is having a plan, because believe me, that book (that im looking forward to reading) is not going to write itself.
how many chapters/pages/lines are you going to write everyday?

how many days are u going to spend reading for background information?

that sort of thing!

you have all the support you need here. you shouldnt be too hard on yourself, cos because u dont get it right the first time doesnt mean u're not going to get it right at all.

now go write that book, and stop keeping us waiting!

Qube The Wordsmith said...

Hmnn well u havta take a proactive step towards pushin urself ouuta d lethargy...I feel u jo I had top wait for a year b4 I got called up for service n I almost killed myself...lack of nutin doin is a vry dangerous thing my dear...try and fill evry moment wiv smetin doin. And blog more often..

i_saved_superman said...

im suprised im here...but u touched me sha...

rayo said...

at least u've identified ur problem. its the first step to doin somethin about it and i remember laspapi droppin a comment on my blog when i just started and was talkin about not writin the way i wanted to. he said u dont think about it, u just do it, babe just do it, just write, the laziness will leave once u start...
jeez rayo, u shld take ur own advice u kno.

The Seeker said...

Dont be too hard on yourself. Identifying ones problem is the first step to solving it. so be glad you have identified it. your next step should be making plans and sticking with them.

I have just started a new blog. i would like for you to check it out. thanks

HeavyFeathers said...

Thank you so much Lil WOman. I love your blog by the way and so happy that you lost your virginity. :) about time. Hope you have a wonderful journey and I look forward to your novel. PS- glad you are awake to your journey. All the best.

Miss Kikky said...

Reading your blog is like ready a book about my life.
Procastination is my best alibi.
Getting started is the thing,
Thanks for waking me up from my slumber.


Aboki, make you vote for me for winner of The Worthless And Meaningless Naija Bloggers Award (a.k.a Backlink Generator). I go give you flenty, flenty contract to build Internet Super Expressway. My Award is in your hands.

Have you any wool said...

sounds like me

Rose said...

Happy new month dear,just checking up on are you?and how's your project coming along?xx

chichi said...

this comes rather late. but hope ur novel writing is going great. its funny that u culd have been talking about me. amen to being the women we were destined to be . a big Amen to that!


Believer said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog. Your post shows that you have done a lot of self-searching and self-analysis which is halfway to being thr woman you want to be. I trust with God's help you'll find yourself setting and reaching your goals. YOU CAN DO IT. This post was a wake up call for me as well. Thanks

Anonymous said...

"...isnt defined by the church she attends but by her faith..." very well said.

So, how far have thou gone with the first draft ma'am?