Friday, February 13, 2009

I do not like the woman that i have been for the past six months. (I say six months because before six months ago, i was still a student and i achieved all the targets i set for myself while in school...except having a successful relationship....i am not in the mood to talk about my relationship or the absence of one.)

This woman that i am now is a graduate waiting for NYSC. She is lazy, procrastinates, sleeps too much, engages in self pity, doesnt rationalize things before reacting, she reacts based on emotions rather than on knowledge. she is led by her heart and feelings rather than her mind and thinking. She is not the best of friends to have, she easily puts herself before others and once offended, she does not consider a makeup, instead she thinks of ending matter how important they were to her.

I am afraid for this woman. I am afraid that she would wake up one day to find out that because she said "i will do it tomorrow, let me rest a bit today" one too many times, she achieved non of her dreams. And the whole world has moved forward without her.

She wants to die empty. She wants to die after she has exhausted if not all, most of her potential but this woman wakes up and sleeps each day with her potentials untapped. She is so afraid of leading the unfamiliar path that she easily settles for what everyone else is doing with their lives...even though she is aware that she isnt everyone. not everyone possesses the raw writing talent that she has. not everyone goes to a book store and feels sad because her books are not on the shelf but still in her head where they were birthed. Not everyone is faced with a feeling of near death and prays to be alive not because of the husband they havent met or the children they havent had or the money they havent made and spent, but because of the novels they havent yet written. Yes, this woman fell seriously ill and thought she would die one night and the only reason she prayed to be alive was so that she could complete the novel she had been writing for so long.

This woman wants to be a prolific writer, yet she has been battling lazily with her first novel for three years. This woman dreams of being a script writer and a filmaker(the change nollywood needs) yet she does absolutely nothing about it. instead she is considering an MBA or a Masters in Communication and Media because that seems like an easier path to follow, a path that would guaruantee her a job when she is done (she is good at reading and passing...she is camouflage, would fit into any environment...afterall wasnt she studying medicine, then accounting and finally english? didnt she do well in all three?) .she is considering this path as opposed to a masters in creative writing and a degree in script writing which would take her where she believes strongly that she was born to be.

This woman loves to make excuses for why she hasnt written the article on Talib Kweli for Hip Hop World Magagzine and why she hasnt interviewed the actress for Zest International and why she hasnt finished her novel after three years.....Excuses that she knows boils down to one thing....laziness.

Every time she goes to Church and the Pastor or Priest preaches on the parable by Jesus about the unequal talents given to 3 servants, she feels a strong sense of guilt because like the last servant, she often says to herself and everyone else, that her talent "WRITING" is not enough. she wants more!!! (coincidentally for the past two months, Priests and Pastors have been preaching about purpose and talent in church...she is catholic but loves to flirt with pentecostal churches, She isnt defined by the church she attends but by her faith in Christ, afterall, Jesus was a Jew, wasnt He?)

Thinking about this woman, which turns out to be me hurts and annoys me. I am ashamed of her because i know that there is so much that she should be and so little that she is right now.

I want to change this woman that i am and become the writer, friend and spouse that i should be...but each time i take one step forward, i take ten more steps backwards.

As I write this i feel so much disgust at myself because like many past days, i have spent my whole day sleeping.

I hope to do better. i have set a target for myself that i would finish the first draft of my novel by the 31st of March. I know if i work really hard at it, that can be done even though i am only on the fourth chapter(i had gotten to the fifteenth chapter but had to start all over..long story).

i hope that by writing about this and letting everyone who cares enough to read this blog know about this woman that i no longer want to be, i would be gingered to becoming the woman i know i am destined to be at a qiucker rate. so help me God.