I wonder why my heart always finds a way to love those who do not have the capability to love me back. My heart always runs from those (i mean men) who love me most. All the men i have loved are those too self absorbed to truly love someone else. All the men i havent loved, are those who love me irrespective of all my flaws.
And right now, i feel as if i am reliving that cycle again. There are three men in my life that i know love me. I know i cannot truly vouch for anyone, but there is one man that i say i know so well and i know he loves me pieces. He has been there for me for so long, a friend, a confidant and at some point a lover. But my heart would just not open up to him. He says he is waiting for me, but as hard as i tried in the past, i couldnt get myself to love him. Attraction means so much to me and i wasnt attracted to him. I am not attracted to the three of them.
I woke up at 6am this morning, hurting and i decided to go back to bed because i wanted to forget that i was hurting, even if only for a few more hours or minutes. But i couldnt stay in bed forever, I woke up again at exactly 9am, with the same pain in my chest.
I dont easily let people get to me. I am very emotional. I bruise easily, so i always try to guard my heart. I see men as a comic relief, something to make you laugh and occupy your time and space just for a period of time, until he gets tired of making a fool of himself and decides to step or until the next good looking dude comes along. Living that way paid off for me. There were the ups and the lows of living like that...i mean there were times when it hurt that i had so many toasters but no true friend, but i always looked on the bright side. Why risk being hurt by a man when i can have the attension of so many men?
Anyway, i got tired of all my toasters, even though i enjoyed their sleazy and cheap lines and the frequent dates that came while i gave them the "I am thinking about it" line and i begun to yearn for something deeper and true. i stopped giving them attension mostly when i could already predict from the start that they had nothing tangible to offer.
I am not the best of Christains but i pray from time to time. And i prayed for someone new. I prayed that God would give me one of His faithful sons. And i thought my prayer was answered at the end of last year.
I met this dude, who i bonded with and i gave him a chance.
I am hurting already because a part of me feels that he might not be true, he might just be up for a good time. He says he is for real. But i am scared and hence i am hurting. He tells me to be optimistic but i usually prefer pessimism. He says i am not piloting the affairs of our relationship well, but i am not used to being in a relationship. He hasnt hurt me yet, yet i am hurting. My heart has chosen to love him, though i cannot vouch for the state of his feelings.