Friday, January 16, 2009

AM I WIRED TO SELF-DESTRUCT?

I wonder why my heart always finds a way to love those who do not have the capability to love me back. My heart always runs from those (i mean men) who love me most. All the men i have loved are those too self absorbed to truly love someone else. All the men i havent loved, are those who love me irrespective of all my flaws.

And right now, i feel as if i am reliving that cycle again. There are three men in my life that i know love me. I know i cannot truly vouch for anyone, but there is one man that i say i know so well and i know he loves me pieces. He has been there for me for so long, a friend, a confidant and at some point a lover. But my heart would just not open up to him. He says he is waiting for me, but as hard as i tried in the past, i couldnt get myself to love him. Attraction means so much to me and i wasnt attracted to him. I am not attracted to the three of them.

I woke up at 6am this morning, hurting and i decided to go back to bed because i wanted to forget that i was hurting, even if only for a few more hours or minutes. But i couldnt stay in bed forever, I woke up again at exactly 9am, with the same pain in my chest.

I dont easily let people get to me. I am very emotional. I bruise easily, so i always try to guard my heart. I see men as a comic relief, something to make you laugh and occupy your time and space just for a period of time, until he gets tired of making a fool of himself and decides to step or until the next good looking dude comes along. Living that way paid off for me. There were the ups and the lows of living like that...i mean there were times when it hurt that i had so many toasters but no true friend, but i always looked on the bright side. Why risk being hurt by a man when i can have the attension of so many men?

Anyway, i got tired of all my toasters, even though i enjoyed their sleazy and cheap lines and the frequent dates that came while i gave them the "I am thinking about it" line and i begun to yearn for something deeper and true. i stopped giving them attension mostly when i could already predict from the start that they had nothing tangible to offer.

I am not the best of Christains but i pray from time to time. And i prayed for someone new. I prayed that God would give me one of His faithful sons. And i thought my prayer was answered at the end of last year.
I met this dude, who i bonded with and i gave him a chance.

I am hurting already because a part of me feels that he might not be true, he might just be up for a good time. He says he is for real. But i am scared and hence i am hurting. He tells me to be optimistic but i usually prefer pessimism. He says i am not piloting the affairs of our relationship well, but i am not used to being in a relationship. He hasnt hurt me yet, yet i am hurting. My heart has chosen to love him, though i cannot vouch for the state of his feelings.

22 comments:

K said...

I think you need to be open to getting hurt. Risk it. A rose has thorns but it still as pretty and as inviting as ever. One of my favourite poems is the rose that grew from the concrete by tupac....beautiful things can grow in an environment and go against everything and thrive. Love is tough but you can still blossom even when you have been hurt because of it.

Marjoram said...

One of the greatest risks in life is love,letting yourself fall is never easy,opening yourself up to possible pain is never easy,but i do hope you make a good decision.
All the best dear.

Nefertiti said...

aww. Loving another is a risk every human takes at some point in life. Sometimes we triumph, sometimes we fail. The most important thing is that we rise when we fail, and love again. Not opening urself up to love in my eyes equals not being fair to yourself. Like u, I am hopelessly pessimistic becos I try and not set myself up for disappointment. In so doing I nearly lost the love of my life. Give this a chance.

Funms-the rebirth said...

i feel u sis..... but u will never know if he'd hurt u till u let him in...take d risk if its worth it...

~Sirius~ said...

*Arrrrrrrrrrgh my comment disappeared, Mschewww!

Sweetheart in as much as we like to protect our hard drive, true love is never really experienced unless we fall freely.

Live evryday as it comes, prepare for the worst and hope for the best and you'll be just fine!

Confessions in Scarlet said...

I think you've got to have the courage to let go a bit and take the plunge. You never know until you give it ago. Sometimes love hurts but when you do find the one you've been praying for it will be worth it. May the Lord hear you prayer

bumight said...

it is really not an easy thing to love somebody. it means making yourself vulnerable, but if you dont open urself up to be loved, you might miss the good ones.

Temite said...

Really I believe in LOVE. but then again it is a Dangerous thing. Only you know if he is worth it. Goodluck Darling and I wish you all the best.

LIL WOMAN said...

Thanks for all the advice. you guys rock.

'sola said...

Funny how ur fears sound so much like mine. you're falling in love, there's no certainty about it and it hurts. But it's the ups and downs, the anxieties and fears that makes it a ride everyone craves.Give it a chance. And if you fall, well,you'll stand right up back again.

Miss Kikky said...

you remind me so much of my self and although we always have the fear.we never know till we try it out. Open up and if it does not work out then it wasn't meant to be

Spicytee said...

Everything is life is about risk,let our heart go is the most baddest but we have to do.
Dearie, you just need to open up and let love in. Give the dude a chance since you've bonded with him and lets see what God has decided for you.

And you are right relationship only works if their is attraction,without it, their wont be a platform.

Since you like him too,lets give it a shot baby.Wishing u all d best honey.

Buttercup said...

no, u r not wired to self-destruct..no one is..we all want the best..attraction is a very vital ingredient in a relationship..

just try to let go of ur fear, i know it cant be easy tho..good luck!

~Sirius~ said...

Come out, come out where ever you are...........

'sola said...

hey chick, you've been tagged. pls see my blog for details.And come back soon!

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

hmmm, the truth is we can never truly know whether the object of our heart has the same feelings we do. So, sometimes, you just have to take that leap of faith. But, I encourage a guarded leap of faith that understands that things could fail, and tries to prepare one's self for that possibility. And if failure never comes, then all will be weel. And if the alternative...then one is prepared.

nice blog. First time here.

Adejoh Momoh said...

The thing with love is havin the courage to risk getting your heart broken.... If you try to hide from it, you find it at times when you are least prepared....

Severus Snape said...

Take it easy, dear,
Y'see, we male folks just do not know that the best asset a man can have is a woman's love.

StandTall-The Activist said...

Have you listened to " I bruise easily". You must have. You need to take something from that song

I do beleive you experience will make you stronger and wiser... I have being there...

Enkay said...

Your post sounds so melancholy and it's really understandable considering where u've beeen but you do need to have some faith girl!

It's ok to be cautious but it won't be bad to let go a little if only just to have a little taste of how good things could be between you two.

In the end though, it'll be your decision to make.

First time here Btw!

Afunto baby! said...

its funny how things work out three guys on your case and yet you dont like them like that? but i kinda agree wit K life is full of risks.. just take it as it comes with the new dude. stay positive..

rethots said...

"...chosen to love him, though i cannot vouch for the state of his feelings." and i say go ahead and keep loving, 'cos eventually what matters is we express how we feel without fear or favour.

But, more importantly, i believe that we love someone and express our love to them (even if they don't love us same way or the relationship doesn't work) is never in vain; rather, 'tis seeds being sown.