AM I WIRED TO SELF-DESTRUCT?

I wonder why my heart always finds a way to love those who do not have the capability to love me back. My heart always runs from those (i mean men) who love me most. All the men i have loved are those too self absorbed to truly love someone else. All the men i havent loved, are those who love me irrespective of all my flaws.

And right now, i feel as if i am reliving that cycle again. There are three men in my life that i know love me. I know i cannot truly vouch for anyone, but there is one man that i say i know so well and i know he loves me pieces. He has been there for me for so long, a friend, a confidant and at some point a lover. But my heart would just not open up to him. He says he is waiting for me, but as hard as i tried in the past, i couldnt get myself to love him. Attraction means so much to me and i wasnt attracted to him. I am not attracted to the three of them.

I woke up at 6am this morning, hurting and i decided to go back to bed because i wanted to forget that i was hurting, even if only for a few more hours or minutes. But i couldnt stay in bed forever, I woke up again at exactly 9am, with the same pain in my chest.

I dont easily let people get to me. I am very emotional. I bruise easily, so i always try to guard my heart. I see men as a comic relief, something to make you laugh and occupy your time and space just for a period of time, until he gets tired of making a fool of himself and decides to step or until the next good looking dude comes along. Living that way paid off for me. There were the ups and the lows of living like that...i mean there were times when it hurt that i had so many toasters but no true friend, but i always looked on the bright side. Why risk being hurt by a man when i can have the attension of so many men?

Anyway, i got tired of all my toasters, even though i enjoyed their sleazy and cheap lines and the frequent dates that came while i gave them the "I am thinking about it" line and i begun to yearn for something deeper and true. i stopped giving them attension mostly when i could already predict from the start that they had nothing tangible to offer.

I am not the best of Christains but i pray from time to time. And i prayed for someone new. I prayed that God would give me one of His faithful sons. And i thought my prayer was answered at the end of last year.
I met this dude, who i bonded with and i gave him a chance.

I am hurting already because a part of me feels that he might not be true, he might just be up for a good time. He says he is for real. But i am scared and hence i am hurting. He tells me to be optimistic but i usually prefer pessimism. He says i am not piloting the affairs of our relationship well, but i am not used to being in a relationship. He hasnt hurt me yet, yet i am hurting. My heart has chosen to love him, though i cannot vouch for the state of his feelings.

I need to CLIMAX

There is so much that i have to say, so much that is bottled up inside of me. When i shut my eyes, all i think of is how much i need a release, an orgasm. I need to speak/write and watch myself climax with my words. There are too many words that i have left unspoken for too long. There is too much built up energy inside of me.

I need to climax.

But i understand the rules of climaxing. I have to start slowly and gradually until i reach my peak, my heaven.

And so my First step to climaxing is
to lose my virginity which i have already done.
And my Second step is
to thank everyone who watched me lose my virginity welcomed me to this wonderful world of bloggers. I feel so honoured that so many people read my blog and left wonderful comments. Its so encouraging. Ex-school nerd, you are the bomb. thanks for all ur love and support. without you, you know, there would be no journal of a lil woman. thank you.

And my Third step is
to just shut my eyes and release the energy and words inside of me.

I am hurting for a number of reasons. I am only going to concentrate on two of those reasons today because i know i can only achieve an orgasm if i take it slowly and gradually.
The first and most pressing reason is that growing up, i used to wish i had a sister my age or one slightly younger than I was. so that we could share secrets and laughs and she would understand and know me like no one else in the world. well i let go of that dream or fantasy because instead of a lil sister, i had a lil brother. my lil bro and i are close, but i always wished he were a girl.
Well God answered my prayer in a different way. He didnt give me a biological sister but He gave me a friend, one that i have known for almost six years.Iw ould refer to her as Tiz. We met in our first university and parted a year after because we both hated the school and we wanted somewhere better. we both desired different universities but as fate would have it, we met again in our second university.
i am not one who believes so much in friendship. i always had it in my head that friends would fail and friends were only for a season. so i never got too attached to anyone, neither did i ever go out of my way to make friends out of anyone. i just always told myself that no one was irreplacable. And so i took no one seriously. Tiz and i grew from being just friends to being bestfriends and then sisters. she was always there for me and i tried my best to be there for her. (Dont worry, i am not gay. i love me some hot looking dude. I love men, lots of men!) we had our fights but they were never anything major. we had so much fun together in school. We talked about any and everything ranging from our first kiss to our last sex and even our secret fantasies. my point is, she was my friend.
To cut the long story short, i messed up. i was upset with her becasue of things i now realize were flimpsy and i said some things to her that i can never take back. its been four months since i was mean to her, five months since we saw each other, one day since she told me she has forgiven me but we just might never be friends again. I miss her so much but i feel i have lost a friend forever. when i hear a song that i know she likes, i pick up my phone but put it back down because i know i no longer have the right to call her. there is so much i want to say to her, but she isnt there. i wnat to tell her about the new movies i have seen, the new songs i have heard, the new guy i like, the crazy thing i did lastnight, the craaazzzzy thing i intend to do tomorrow(wink wink). Gosh, there is so much to say but she is isnt there any more.

i am wondering if anyone undertstands what i am talking about. our friendship was rare. Many lovers do not even have it like we did. i always used to say to her that if we werent both girls, we would be thinking of getting married by now.

i miss my bestfriend and even though she is most likely never going to hear about my blog, i want everyone who reads this to know that.

i have written so much now. the next time i blog, i would write about the second reason why i feel sad. and hopefully, the more i write and let go of all the words in my head, the closer, i would get to my promiseland, the closer i would get to climaxing.